The Single Girl Diaries | The One Where I Said Goodbye

Hello Lovelies! When I first started this series, I had a few aims. One was to make people laugh (mostly at my own expense). The second was to write the series I always wanted to read, something that actually catered to the single girl. And the last was *cue emotional music* to grow as a person, and guess what? This week I did, major time.  

But before we get to that let's start at the beginning, because guys, it's been a long week. Anyone who paid attention to last week's post, will know that this week I challenged myself to tell people in my life what they mean to me and spread a bit of love. I'm actually a big believer in the whole 'what if I got hit by a car tomorrow' argument, so I always like to make sure people know how valuable they are to me so I actually do this ALL the time.

I'M SOPPY LIKE THAT (SORRY, NOT SORRY)

But telling the people in your life how much you love them is pretty hard. Unlike with relationships, you never quite know where you stand with friends. There's no anniversary, no Valentine's day for friends, nada. So sometimes it's hard to actually be like 'Hey I really love you' without coming off either suicidal or slightly crazy. 

But I did attempt, albeit shyly to tell some of the friends in my life just how I feel about them (well at least the ones who don't hear it often from me) and I was surprised by the reaction. They didn't think I was a weirdo, randomly showering love confetti all over them, in fact on the whole it just reminded me how many lovely people there are in my life. But it's time to introduce another guy to this story. We've had Tinder Darcy, Mac and Cheese Guy (who for some reason actually likes my dorky smiles, hi you), and Hot Clean Freak Guy. Now it's time for Hat Guy, and oh boy is the story of him one emotional roller-coaster. Hold on tight guys. 

We met on the first day of University, and we instantly became each others first Uni friends. In fact we spent the whole of Freshers together, in the least student way possible. We literally did not go to ONE party. Shocker I know. He wore the same hat all the time, so was knighted with the the 'Hat Guy' nickname at an early stage. As you can tell, I really like giving people nicknames. And in general we just got on so well. Like whenever we saw each other, we'd laugh our heads off and it just seemed like we were made to be friends. We'd even call each other late at night, and end up just talking to each other for a few hours. And really although as the year went on we didn't see each other much, we still remained the best of friends. He became the guy I phoned when I was upset, because he'd always make me forget what was wrong and would have me laughing in seconds. I just didn't know anyone who could make me happy so easily like that.

But inevitably, as you may have guessed Vicky's heart started to develop feelings for Hat Guy. He'd friendzoned me before, but the lines started to get more blurred to the point where it almost felt like he was flirting with me. That said though, as the year went on nothing happened and I gave up on my feelings comfortably placing him back in to the friends category. When it was running up to him leaving for his year abroad though, everything changed. He started being nicer, flirting with me much more and complimenting me randomly, but still I was completely oblivious to what was going on. I mean friends can joke about kissing you, RIGHT? 

It was when I said goodbye to him at the airport that I finally started to clock on to things being different. He was much more flirty, and kept on finding stupid little excuses to touch me. Funnily enough, at the time I still thought he was joking with me which is a key example of me being oblivious to guys showing an interest in me. I can be REALLY blind sometimes. We sat there and chatted for a few hours, and I laughed so much it actually hurt but then it was time to say goodbye and I remember him giving me this ridiculously tight hug and then that was it. He walked away and I watched him become a little blur in the distance. 

When he finally arrived, I admitted to him just how I felt and he told me how much he liked me and how much he really did want to kiss me at the airport. It was nice, weird, and I was just honestly surprised. I had never in a million years even imagined he could end up liking me, so it was surreal to hear it from him. But the problem? He was on his year abroad, and when he came back I was on mine so we both knew nothing could come of it. The conversation ended, and just like that he expected me to go back to normal and I found myself stranded on a lonely emotional island forced to pretend that we'd never crossed the friend line. 

As I tried to stay in contact, I started to feel really bad about myself because I would accidentally flirt and then he would throw it all back in my face despite being the one who'd opened this Pandora's box in the first place. It just started to feel like he couldn't really be bothered to keep me in his life, and that he just didn't care. So this lead me to decide that for this week whilst I was telling all my friends what they meant to me, I would be honest to him and tell him I just couldn't be friends with him anymore. It was too hard. I had feelings for him, and they and him just made it so hard for me to be friends with him when I just felt more. So I did the mature thing, and told him, and explained to him how I couldn't be friends anymore. It was just too complicated. 

And the worst part? He didn't really care, and hardly even batted an eyelid. So Hat Guy just like that went from being a main character in my story, to merely a footnote in it. 

But hey this is my time to be honest. I've become so used to guys (minus my male friends and family of course) in my life just not caring enough about me, to the point now where it's not a surprise anymore. I've had men put me down, call me horrible things and generally make me feel like the tiniest person in the world and the sad part is I've come to expect it. I've started to lose faith in the fact that I'll get a guy who cares about me one day, and for the first time in my life I'm starting to lose hope. But you know what, I may be unlucky in love, but maybe that's because I've been so blessed in the friendship department. One day I'll find someone who cares, but until then I'll always have lovely people like you and that's enough to keep me content.

GROUP HUG GUYS.

Thought of the day: 'Never love anyone who treats you like you're ordinary.' - Oscar Wilde

Man Crush: James Norton, because he's completely killing his role as Prince Andrei in War and Peace. Not quite Darcy, but Andrei is good enough for me.

Perk of being single: Having lots and lots of time to spend with all your friends. Love you guys.

Thanks for reading lovelies! All of the support of this series has really been amazing!

P.S For any new readers to The Single Girl Diaries, I've put together a list of all the posts so far so you can start to understand what the hell is going on here:

1. Here's To Being Forever Alone in 2016
2. I Challenged Myself To Tinder For A Month
3. If We Ever Meet Again
4. Not Safe For Lonely Hearts (NSFLH)
5. 1,000 Reasons Not To Date Me

And don't forget - join me every Sunday 12pm GMT, for a new page in my diary!

YOUTUBE | BLOGLOVIN' | TWITTER